Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Diary of a Conference Call

People act funny when they are on a conference call. Perhaps it is the fact that facial expressions are unavailable, maybe it is the poor quality of phone audio, or could it be that being on the conference call allows for greater personal freedom than a typical meeting.

For instance, in a typical meeting, if someone has to answer nature's call, one of two things occurs. Either the meeting forges on and the unfortunate individual misses vital information and is probably put in charge of some dreaded committee while he is taking the necessary environmental pause, or if the person is important enough, the whole meeting stops down for a few minutes while the person ducks into the nearest restroom. Invariably, awkward conversation ensues as everyone sadly carries a mental picture of what is going on, but of course no one discusses it. Most likely, the weather will be discussed or some other non-salient point will be rehashed so no one slips and says, "So, you think he's droppin' the deuce?"

But in the world of the "tele-conference" the meeting moves along unabated when someone has to go to the bathroom. Oh mind you, it's not mentioned, but I am sure that at least 3-4 people take potty breaks during the typical conference call and continue talking just as if nothing out of the usual was going on. The question if, of course, has there ever been a tele-conference in which all the attendees where in the water closet at the same time. Hey, I think there might be a Guinness Book of World Records opportunity here.

Anyway, I say that to introduce my blog for today. I am preparing to "attend" a tele-conference and decided to keep a running diary of the events for you. A little background: this is a meeting a our camp board. It is the first time we have attempted to do this via the tele-conference, so it should be full of fun ... we'll see.

5:25 pm
I sit waiting for the phone to ring. I have all the accruments prepared: pen, paper, large beverage, computer game set to "no audio", and rolled up pair of tube socks to throw at the dog should she begin barking uncontrollably (not sure it will happen, but as the magic eight-ball would tell me, "Signs point to 'yes!'"). As the vice-president of the camp board, I foolishly assume that I will be the first called for the tele-conference. In reality, I am holding out hope that either the meeting gets canceled or they will have lost my phone number. As you can tell I am psyched for this meeting.

You may wonder how I became the vice-president. It is actually an interesting story. I had gone to the bathroom and while I was out ... oh wait, there's the call.

5:27 pm
Kevin "Sug" Rossen greets me. I've known him as Sug as long as I can remember, not sure why he is called this. I just know he doesn't spell it Suge, probably because Suge Knight has it trademarked or something. Sug immediately slips into "old man" talk discussing the wonders of technology because we have four people on the phone at one time. Today, conference calls, tomorrow teleportation ... it's like we are on the Spaceship Earth ride at EPCOT. Quick can anyone tell me what EPCOT stands for (no cheating, don't Google it)? Yep, Experimental Prototype Community of Tomorrow. What I love about EPCOT is that it fairly simple advances in technology paired with wildly advanced technology. Animatronic Father: Look kids, I am talking on my phone with no wires coming out of it while riding in my speed-of-light hovercraft that shoots lasers and shields me against a nuclear bomb. Animatronic Kids: Wow! A phone without wires ... groovy!

5:28 pm
Sug calls for an opening word of prayer. Prayer over the phone is always weird to me. Should I bow my head and close my eyes? Should I kneel? While I may not be sure what I should do when someone is praying with me on the phone, I do know a host of things I shouldn't do. Here are some just to give you an idea ...
  • Setting up youir MySpace page ... no!
  • Instant Messaging your brother ... probably not.
  • Make a sandwich ... questionable.
  • Put them on hold ... maybe.
  • Gregorian Chants ... obviously not.

5:35 pm
I just realized that I have absolutely no power unless Sug dies or becomes incapacitated. I am essentially the Miss America runner-up. By the way, here is a little hint: I am just fine with that. See, if Sug were unable to continue as president and it was passed to me, I believe my first act as newly appointed president would be to resign. I would claim I was trying to avoid a coming scandal that would rock the camp board if I stayed on. I think I am comfortable with my status as Commander-in-Case.

5:47 pm
Okay, that was funny. Sug asked Wes (our camp director) to explain a discussion that was held at the last meeting (which I was unable to attend due an important previous commitment, I believe it was all-you-can-eat-wings night at my local Wings-to-Go restaurant). Anyway, Wes gave a brief explanation which was folllowed by awkward silence ... and then more awkward silence. Finally, I chirped, "That sounds good, Wes" hopefully snapping Sug out of whatever coma he had suddenly faded into in the 45 seconds that had passed since he asked Wes to comment. Still nothing. After what was probably another 15 seconds of uncomfortable silence, I stammered, "Uh, is anyone still here?" Randy, the final quarter of our foursome finally spoke, "I am." A man of few words that Randy. That constituted about 50% of all the speaking he did during the first 20 minutes of the meeting. A little while later, presumably after he had downed a large amount of cough syrup, he gushed on and on when he said, "Yeah ... I agree with that." I thought, "Settle down, dude. Why must you always dominate the conversation?"

5:50 pm
Sug comes back. His questionable excuse was that he has a very touchy mute button and that he accidently had it on without knowing. He said he was surprised that we all kept interrupting him and not paying attention to what he has to say. First ... what a prima dona. Second, yeah right. See, I believe that was our first bathroom break of the evening, that or he was watching The King of Queens rerun and lost track of what we were talking about.

5:59 pm
Okay, I got it out of the way ... yep, I carried on an otherwise routine conversation about the camp's financial situation ... while "seeing a man about a horse" so to speak. I am sure that the group was none-the-wiser as to what I was actually doing. As I hit the mute and gave the courtesy flush a sense of intrigue came over me ... it was like I was 007, deceiving them without giving away my fiendish secret. As I rose from the throne I could swear I heard the Bond Theme playing in the background somewhere.

6:05 pm
I have just noticed that the high fidelity of the phone set makes Wes and Randy sound the same much of the time. Since I don't always know which one it is, I will henceforth refer to them collectively as Srandy. For instance, Srandy doesn't know when the Women's Retreat is this year, but he'll ask his wife ... see, none of that information clears it up for me.

6:12 pm
Sug asks me what I think about it. I know, you don't know what it is, but then, neither do I. You see, being a multi-tasker (see 5:59 pm comment for verification), I like to use time efficiently so I have been working on my Bible study lesson while our meeting is going on (well, at least they have my full attention). I did not think the discussion had much to do with me so I was not zeroed in on the topic. Of course, I cannot admit this so I stammer out an answer that ends up having nothing to do with the question Sug was apparently talking about. Sug either ignores my stupidity or was just so taken by my response that it escapes his notice that it had nothing to do with the question that was asked. I prefer to think the latter ... cue the Bond music once again (Da-dump-da-daaaah-duh-da-da!)

6:29 pm
It has come to my attention that I am now in charge of something. I was unaware of this. Could it have happened when I was working on my Bible study. Perhaps Sug is more clever than I give him credit for. No, probably not.

6:31 pm
Srandy wonders about work projects at the camp. How can we get more people involved? I am thinking maybe make a Summer Camp week out of them. Sort of an Extreme Makeover: Camp Edition. No one likes my joke, or at least they didn't laugh. Wait, is my mute button on. No, it just wasn't funny.

6:42 pm
We've done all the damage we can for one night. So we plan to do this again. Why not? If nothing else, we accomplished ... well, we finished ... okay, we got the next meeting planned. That's solid. We now begin to say our goodbyes, which is hard, because no one knows who is saying good-night to who and who will be offended. It plays out like a bad episode of The Waltons. In frustration, I blurt out good-night Sugsrandy and hastily hang up before anything more can be said.

I am sure glad I took notes ...

Posted by Dave Smith at 3:15 PM | | Comments

Thursday, September 21, 2006

... MASTER of ONE

You know those common phrases we use from time to time which, depending on how you take the comment, can be viewed as a word of encouragement or a snide remark. Like when someone says, “Did you get a haircut? Wow! That’s really unique.” It is possible that the person really meant they liked your new hair look, but it is also possible they think you would look better with a large cereal bowl on your head.

How about one of my favorites, “Jack of all trades … master of none!” On the one hand, someone who says this about you indicates that you have a broad range of talents and abilities while at the same time, it is pointed out that you excel at not one of them. A back-handed compliment if there ever was one. When you hear it, depending on who is saying it, you don’t know if you should be angry or flattered. When in doubt, just assume that the person is admiring you. If he is, then he will know your appreciation. If he isn’t, you’ll completely confuse him with your seemingly misplaced gratitude.

One place that seems to specialize in “jacks of all trades” is the church. Ministry in the church can, at times, be a juggling act of responsibilities and tasks. One week you are teaching a Bible study, the next week you are serving in the nursery. One week you are singing in the praise team, the next week you are detailing the preacher’s car (just kidding, we all know that’s Justin’s job).

Unfortunately, we’ve been perpetuating a practice that was never intended to be a part of the ministry of the church. You see, God wired all of us with special abilities and talents to fulfill specific ministry functions in the church body. In fact, the Scriptures even used the analogy of the human body to illustrate this concept. The Apostle Paul wrote:

The body is a unit, though it is made up of many parts; and though all its parts are many, they form one body. So it is with Christ.

1 Corinthians 12.12

He went on to point out that, like the human body, the body of Christ has specific parts for specific body needs. He stated:

Now the body is not made up of one part but of many. If the foot should say, “Because I am not the hand, I do not belong to the body,” it would not cease to be part of the body. And if the ear should say, “Because I am not an eye, I do not belong to the body,” it would not for this reason cease to be part of the body. If the whole body were an eye, where would the sense of hearing be? If the whole body were an ear, where would the sense of smell be? But in fact God has arranged the parts in the body, every one of them, just as he wanted them to be. If they were all one part, where would the body be? As it is, there are many parts, but one body.

1 Corinthians 12.14-20

So it is clearly established that each of us has a role to play in being a part of the body. So what’s the problem? Just this, if we assume that we all have been given specific talents, abilities, skills, etc. to accomplish the ministry God has for us, don’t we have a responsibility to discover, develop and put into practice those very things? How can we ever do that if we are bouncing from place to place, week to week, task to task?

Maybe the better question is to ask why we do it. There are many reasons. For instance, we do it because we don’t want sister so-and-so to always have to teach the third graders. We do it because we don’t want brother what’s-his-name to never feel like he can’t take a vacation. And we do it because we just don’t want people to feel bored or dumped on in ministry if the task is mundane or tiresome.

Here’s a hint: if a person regularly gets bored or feels dumped on when doing ministry, they shouldn’t be doing it. I know … that one caught you off-guard, didn’t it? Let me try it another way in case you struggle with this. If you are serving in a ministry and your heart just isn’t in it, quit! You see there is an issue there. It may be that God has given you talents and abilities in other areas other than the one in which you are serving or it may be that he has given you skills to do it; you just aren’t committed to doing it. Either way, you need to make a change.

It is amazing that whenever there is a job to be done at the church that becomes a regular recurring assignment, the first thing we do is put together a sign-up sheet to spread the workload over as many people as possible. Of course, in a small church like ours, that means many of the same people already active in 37 other ministry areas sign up and take on something else. If sign-up goes slow, we might even use guilt to try and get people signed up to take a round once every couple of months. In concept it may sound good … everyone takes their little piece … and it definitely sounds fair (after all, there are some jobs that are not-so-hot). The problem is that it just isn’t effective for real ministry.

Several years ago, the Walt Disney Corporation employed a program where its amusement park workers regularly rotated from one area of the park to others areas every few weeks or months while working there. The concept was based on an assumption that, given the chance to go to other areas of the park, the consistent “change in scenery” and shuffling of the workers would prevent boredom from setting in, thus improving not only worker morale, but also job satisfaction. The theory was great except for one detail. It didn’t work.

Rather than improving worker morale, the plan created discouragement as employees were constantly forced to learn the minutiae of different work areas. Rather than increasing job satisfaction, the plan left the workers unable to focus on important details of the job. In the end, the Walt Disney Corporation found that developing the varied skills of their workers in one area of the park allowed those employees to take more of an ownership and responsibility for what went on in that area. Job satisfaction and worker morale increased when the company matched people’s abilities and skills to the areas in the park where they were most needed and suited to work.

In short, what they learned is that the body is made up of many parts, and that those parts have a specific purpose. You just can’t make feet into hands or ears into noses. In the church we must seek to do the same. We must seek to find a ministry which matches the skills, talents, and abilities that God has given us rather than continuing this meaningless rotation of inconsistency and confusion.

It doesn’t mean we are limited to one thing at the church and it doesn’t mean that we ignore needs, hiding behind one-ministry thinking. But it does mean that perhaps we should each step back and consider dropping this whole “jack of all trades” ministry approach and change to a “master of one” ministry approach.

What if, for once, we defined an area of need, determined the ministry that needed to be done consistently at the church, and then, rather than putting together a trusty sign-up sheet at the back of the church, what if we asked (prayerfully and then verbally) if there was someone who might take this ministry and run with it—their task, their responsibility, their ministry for God! Read Acts 6.1-7 to see how this model worked. Focus especially on the last verse to see results.

It’s not unheard of. In fact, it is how we handle the preaching at our church. I know many of our church members may think: “Dave, you are paid to do it,” and they are correct, but I hope they (as well as you, too) understand that isn’t why I do it. I preach because I believe God has given me unique talents and abilities that are suited for preparation and presentation of the Gospel through preaching of the Word and I was challenged by the leaders of this church to do just that (being paid was just a fantastic bonus which allows me to do it and other administrative/pastoral tasks).

Consider what your answer might be if I were to ask you the following question: “Based upon the talents and abilities God has placed within you, to what ministry have you been called to serve?” Got your answers yet? You never know when someone might just ask what it is!

DAVE

Posted by Dave Smith at 10:43 AM | | Comments