Tuesday, August 28, 2007

HIGH-DEF LOVE

This article appears in the September 2007 edition of the Southwood Spirit

I sit here in my apartment this morning. Normally, I would be up at the church on a Monday morning, but this morning I sit waiting … waiting for the cable guy. I know, a little too cliché, but it is the truth; though I must admit that I wait not with frustration, but with anticipation.

I am waiting on the cable guy because I am upgrading to high definition cable. With the NFL season looming in the next couple weeks I am excited at the prospect of watching my favorite sport in crisp, brilliant images; at least that’s the plan. I look forward to seeing clearly defined sweat and spit as players fly around the field. Will I ever be able to go back to standard definition? It is uncertain … we’ll see.

I preached this week on authentic love and used as my text the thirteenth chapter of First Corinthians. Any discussion about authentic love begins and ends with an understanding of Christ’s love and no chapter in the Bible more clearly defines the attributes of his unconditional love than First Corinthians thirteen.

In that chapter, Paul reminds us of so many important truths about authentic love; the very things I talked about Sunday morning with our church body. However, one aspect of the chapter that I didn’t get into during my message I wanted to write about here.

At the end of the chapter, Paul talks about how our human capacity of grasping authentic love here on earth is sorely inadequate. There will always be aspects of our own humanity—selfishness, pride, immaturity, etc.—that that will taint our vision of that bona fide, Christ-like love. Sin has a way corrupting those things that God intended to be pure and holy. Sadly, in our weakness, we are willing to chase after poor facsimiles of Christ-like love and accept that it is the best we will ever find. We are satisfied with what the world offers when there is so much more.

Here’s the good news: it won’t always be like that. One day we will see Christ’s love in high definition, exactly as God intended. Look with me at what Paul writes about it. He says,

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“We don't yet see things clearly. We're squinting in a fog, peering through a mist [your basic standard definition]. But it won't be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright! We'll see it all then, see it all as clearly as God sees us [that would be high definition], knowing him directly just as he knows us!”

1 Corinthians 13:12 (The Message)
[brackets are my musings, of course]

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When Christ’s love begins to take complete control of your heart, soul and mind you effectively see the world through his eyes. As you allow his presence in your life, you will find that you have little room for things such as pettiness, prejudice, self-centeredness, etc. as you experience the effects of authentic love on your everyday life. It has the power to rekindle lifeless marriages, to restore broken friendships, and to revive lost, dead souls; and it can happen both to you and through you as well. You won’t imagine ever wanting to go back to the way things were before.

The choice is there for each of us, accept this world’s standard definition of love—at best, something that makes us feel good about ourselves for awhile and at worst, leaves us feeling betrayed, embarrassed and ashamed—or chose God’s higher definition of love—where relationships are built on a foundation of selflessness and unconditional personal sacrifice with the ultimate goal of growing closer to Him.

Trust me, I know it isn’t going to be easy … it goes against my human nature. It leads me to ask God to change me rather than everyone else, it challenges me to sacrifice what seems most important to me to gain that which is actually most important, and it calls me to clearly define who I love the most (hint: it’s not supposed to be me)

You know, while I was writing this article, the cable guy came and got my new HD cable connected. I like flipping back and forth between standard definition ESPN and HD ESPN just to note how much better it is. I suppose since they both run at the same time, I will always watch the HD ESPN … after all, why would I chose to watch the cheap substitute when I have access to HD? Hmm, something to think about, I guess.

Seeing Clearly Today,

DAVE

Tuesday, February 06, 2007

MY CHOICE

Give me courage Lord to take risks, not the usual ones, respected, necessary, relatively safe, but those I could avoid, the “go for broke” ones. I need courage not just because I may fall on my face or worse, but others seeing me a sorry spectacle, if it should happen will say, “He didn’t know what he was doing,” or “He’s foolhardy…” When it comes right down to it Lord I choose to be your failure before anyone else’s success. Keep me from reneging on my choice.

--Joseph Bayly

I read those words in my devotional Bible this past week. What a sobering challenge they were to me. They are words that I long to pray, but still find myself hesitant to offer to God. Why? Because I am afraid that he might just give me what I ask. I don't want to fall on my face, I don't want people seeing my inadequacies, and I definitely don't want to fail.

Often I am content to limit my risk-taking to simple things, those faith chances where I am still the one in control … call them “measured risks.” I may fail, but at least my collapse won’t be too public, too precarious, or too personal. I have to save face after all. I am embarrassed to say that I rarely step way out on the ledge of my faith and say, “God, I really don’t know how this is all going to work out, but I trust that it will, no matter what happens.”

It comforts me to know that even the heroes of the Bible had similar apprehension and like the words of my devotional this week, God seemed to know just the things they needed to hear for strength and assurance.

For instance, Joshua is an obvious one that comes to mind. Moses—the leader of God’s people for forty years, Joshua’s mentor, and the tower of faithfulness and patience—had died and suddenly, Joshua was in charge; everyone (including God) was looking for him to take up the mantle of leadership and handle the task of directing the nation of Israel.

No matter how old a man he was, he had never had the complete responsibility of being the one the people looked to for guidance.

He had always been able to fall back on this one thing, “Let’s see what Moses thinks.” It was his safety net, what he had always trusted in…Moses would have the answer. Now, Moses was gone and it was time to enter the Promised Land, full of walled cities, giant men and powerful armies. Everyone would be looking to him for the battle plan. Oh yes, and by the way, he would be leading a group of transient people who had little or no military training. I wonder if he worried about failure; about falling short where Moses had flourished? Did he have concerns about disappointing Moses … or God?

While we may never know the answer, we do get a hint in Joshua chapter one that he may have at least been timid about becoming Moses’ successor. Perhaps it was just that God sensed his trepidation toward his new role of expanded leadership or maybe he remembered how Moses had been at the burning bush. Either way, he puts Joshua’s mind at ease by promising the one thing that Joshua truly needed to know … his presence. He tells him “Be strong and very courageous, do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.”

It may have all sounded good to Joshua, but could he trust it? He did. How was it that God’s words were such a comfort? Try to remember, Joshua had been sitting front-row for some amazing things that God had done through Moses. Things like, the crossing of the Red Sea, the giving of the Ten Commandments, the miraculous provision of food and water, quirky battles based upon Moses keeping his hands up in the air, etc. Joshua had seen all of it firsthand and now he was promised the exact same Godly presence as he led the people.

On the surface, it may have looked overwhelming, but with those simple words—as I was with Moses, so I will be with you—Joshua took on the challenge with gusto. As long as God was leading him, he would walk out to the edge of his own human trust and beyond with the confidence that God was holding on to him. Giants, armies, walled cities … none of them would deter him because the Lord had promised to be with him.

It is stuff like that which gives me the courage to face the uncertainty of this life in the same way. I believe that nothing will happen to me of which God is unaware. Certain situations or things, as difficult as they may seem can be accepted and even relished because I know that God has a plan and the end of that plan ends up with me overcoming sin through the power of Jesus Christ’s name. Taking my place in his Promised Land of Heaven one day simply comes down to recognizing who is the rightful leader of my life!

Risks that I chose to take end up just being obedient responses to his call and direction, challenging me to achieve his will through the opportunities that he has provided for me.

If I fail, he is there to pick me up or at the very least, to work it out for my good in the end. If I fall on my face, it simply gives me a good opportunity to humbly approach him for comfort and redemption. And if people end up seeing my weaknesses, at least it may encourage them to know I struggle, too. Or, at best, it may magnify the strength of God in helping me to survive my own short-comings.

I can face all those circumstances with courage and boldness that comes not from my own success, skill or strength, but because he has promised the one thing I truly need…his presence as my shield, my protection, my provision, and my salvation.

In Him We Serve and Follow!

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

You Can't Handle the Truth!

The knock at my door persisted. I had just gotten out of the shower only a few minutes before so all I had on at the time was a pair of shorts. Glancing through the peep-hole of my front door and seeing a deputy sheriff standing outside helped me to decide that asking him to come back later was probably not a good idea. So I threw on a shirt and opened the door.

The officer standing before me inquired, “Are you David Smith?”

When I had affirmed my identity, he promptly served me with my first-ever subpoena. Before all of you rush to judgment, shake your heads and say to your spouse, “Guess what? They caught him. I think we all saw this coming,” it was not for anything I had done. I was being asked to serve as a witness for the state against a young man I knew somewhat. That is to say, he knew a suspiciously large amount of information about the time our church building was broken into and vandalized.

After getting the subpoena, I began to think about the questions I might be asked, what I might say, and how credible I might seem to the jury. I joked with a friend that I should prepare to blurt out several time-honored lines from the movie, A Few Good Men. I imagined it my mind this way:

Lawyer: “Mr. Smith, how do you know the defendant?”

Me: (with my best Jack Nicholson impersonation) “You want the truth?”

Lawyer: “Uh, yes.”

Me: “You can’t handle the truth!”

Lawyer: “Listen weirdo, do you know him or not?”

Of course, I also imagined that shenanigans like that might not amuse the judge (or anyone else for that matter) and didn’t think a second subpoena—this one to appear for my own “contempt of court” case—would be well-received by my family … not exactly very ministerial of me.

As you might imagine I ultimately decided that all I could really do was to tell the truth. Whether I felt sorry for the young man because of his difficult circumstances or wanted to see him punished for his heinous crimes, the only role I could play in the legal drama was to accurately tell the truth. The judge would not be concerned with my feelings or opinions as much as he would with my testimony of the truth.

It reminded me of the struggle we have in Christianity between so many churches and our differences. For instance, on the subject of baptism, there are a supposed variety of doctrinal positions about what it is for, how to do it, or if it even needs to be done at all. Are all of them right in one way or another? Is one way right and others are wrong? For the record, my belief is that the answer to the former question would be NO and to the latter, YES. I believe that baptism by immersion is essential to my salvation. It is an obedient response to God’s qualifications for a person’s acceptance of the gift of salvation.

I base my belief on Scriptures such as these:

“Therefore let all Israel be assured of this: God has made this same Jesus, whom you crucified, both Lord and Christ.”

When the people heard this, they were cut to the heart and said to Peter and the other Apostles, “Brothers, what shall we do?”

Peter replied, “Repent and be baptized, every one of you, in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins. And you will receive the gift of the Holy Spirit.”

--Acts 2:36-38 (NIV)

When they believed Phillip as he preached the good news of the kingdom of God and the name of Jesus Christ, they were baptized, both men and women.

--Acts 8:12 (NIV)

“You will be his witness to all men of what you have seen and heard. And now, what are you waiting for? Get up and be baptized and wash your sins away, calling on his name.”

--Acts 22:16 (NIV)

In him you were also [set apart], in putting off of the sinful nature, not with a circumcision done by the hands of men but with the circumcision done by Christ, having been buried with him in baptism and raised with him through your faith in the power of God, who raised you from the dead.

--Colossians 2:11-12 (NIV)

These passages, along with several others, convince me that I should tell others that an essential part of God’s plan of salvation for mankind includes immersion for the forgiveness of sins.

I realize this belief flies in the face of two predominant thought processes. First, in general, it claims that baptism is fundamentally an obedient response to the ONLY one who can bring salvation to mankind. While this is an admittedly narrow view, it is not my opinion, it is Christ’s declaration: “I am the way, the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.” –John 14:6 (NIV).

As a Christian, I do not have a many-ways-to-the-same-destination approach to eternity. God’s Word does not allow me to do so. This may offend others, but I must only give testimony to the truth that God’s Word teaches.

Second, in specific, the essentiality of baptism for salvation claims, by inference, that faith without baptism is incomplete and thus, condemns those who have not been baptized. Again, I realize that within the religious community, this makes me seem like somewhat of a theological bigot. What about like-believers who do not claim baptism’s essentiality, those who claim immersion may be a good thing to do, even something we should do in obedience, but is not necessary for salvation? They would point to stories such as the Philippian jailer in Acts 16 who asked Paul and Silas, “Sirs, what must I do to be saved?” –Acts 16:30 (NIV).

Their simple reply was, “Believe in the Lord Jesus and you will be saved—you and your whole household.” –Acts 16:31 (NIV).

It is a verse, without proper context, that seems to say that belief only is essential for salvation. Upon closer inspection of the context, the text reveals that a few verses later, “[Paul & Silas] spoke the word of Lord to him and to all the others in his house,” and “he and all his family were baptized.”

For us to assume that belief was all that was critical for salvation means we would also have to accept that his family didn’t need to believe in Christ to be saved. After all, Paul and Silas asserted that the Philippian jailer’s belief would secure his salvation along with his whole family’s salvation as well.

Perhaps it is better for us to understand that both belief and baptism a part of our acceptance of God’s grace and salvation; that belief is the only the beginning of our salvation. So when does the actual moment of salvation of occur? Is it when a person first believes in God or when they are buried in baptism? I believe that to be a foolish argument which produces little helpful resolution. It misses the point that both are necessary and simply ends up polarizing people’s opinions on meaningless dispute.

Of course, some might speculate that I condemn those who do not believe baptism’s essentiality. That would be incorrect. I am thankful that is not my decision, but God’s alone as the eternal Judge. As James wrote, “There only one Lawgiver and Judge, the one who is able to save and destroy … and his name is not Dave Smith!” –James 4:12 (NIV). Okay, the part in italics is not actually in there, but you get the point. If you have a complaint, try to remember I am in sales, not management.

Will God accept those who believe in him but refuse to acknowledge baptism’s place in the forgiveness of sins and ultimately, salvation? Will he recognize sprinkling as a proper form of baptism? To both of these questions and to so many others, I would answer, “I hope so,” because I have had good friends throughout the years that have believed differently than I do. I do not wish to seem them condemned. But the only role I can play in this spiritual drama is to testify to the truth of his Word. No matter how good or sincere I may think someone to be, it is not my judgment that will matter, but God’s.

I am quite certain that in spite of his great love for me, God is unconcerned with whether or not I find his teachings too narrow or restrictive. He simply wishes to hear me give testimony of the truth which he has revealed in his Word and not in the opinions and feelings of men!

Monday, December 11, 2006

Because It's Rocky! (Part 1)

The other day, I was talking to the kids at the church and asked the question, "Any of you going to see the Rocky movie when it comes out?" Of course, none of them are more than 16-17 years old, so there was an inherent risk in asking them about seeing a movie saga whose first five chapters were completed before many of them were even born. However, armed with the knowledge that Rocky had long ago achieved iconic status and remembering that TNT typically shows all five of the previous movies about once every 6-8 hours, I felt sure that they would have at the very least a passing knowledge of the movie.

I am indebted to a young man named Philip that was in attendance at the youth group meeting for summing up what was difficult for me to fathom and come to grips with as to why I know that no matter what, I will go and see Rocky Balboa. He said, "Yeah, you gotta go see it ... because it's Rocky!" Philip's ... well, I suppose she is his girlfriend ... Jessalyn looked at him as though he had a spare hand growing out of the center of his forehead. His profound logic, undeniably crystal clear to me, made no sense to her. Would the movie be good? Who knows? Would there be a cacophony of cluttered cliches about boxing and life? Undoubtedly. So what is it about movie, starring a sixty-year-old man as an aging boxer looking for one more fight, that makes me confident that I will go and see this movie? Because it's Rocky!

I have, in a previous blog, briefly talked about this movie as well as the other installments of the series. To refresh the perspective I have on these movies here is a brief synopsis. If, while browsing the program guide of my television with nothing better to do, I see a Rocky movie running, here are my typical responses:
  • ROCKY ... If it is near the end of the movie, in the big fight scene, I will watch it secretly still pulling for Rocky to get referee's decision at the conclusion of the fight even though I know it is a movie and thus, will not probably ever change.
  • ROCKY II ... Much like the first, if it is near the end, I will completely take it in. If I wander across it in the weird will-Adrian-die-or-live section, I turn it off. Adrian was always a bit of a downer. If you ask me, Rocky settled. Of course no character--save those blown up on steroids, they didn't call him Sly for nothing--changed so vastly throughout the series as did Adrian. If you saw the first movie, she was gawky and sort of overwhelmed by Rocky's character, as though she really didn't like him, but figured this ship was about to sail and there wouldn't be another one coming. I don't think you could have created a more uncomfortable romance than Rocky and Adrian's if you had paired George Jefferson with Laura Ingalls Wilder (in a wildly experimental crossover show of the 1970's I would have called Good Times at the Little House on the Prairie ... why was this show never done?). Yet, by Rocky III she is clearly moving into Erin Brockovich territory as she questions Rocky's heart, his motivation and manhood on that moving beachfront scene. And in Rocky IV, she has clearly become more "over-the-top" in her dramatic outbursts at Rocky and Paulie. Plus, who can forget her icy stare at Bridgette Nielsen during the big fight? (By the way, her name in the movie was Ludmilla ... really, and you get that for free). But in Rocky and Rocky II, Adrian is a major power-down, so I move on if she is involved in the scenes playing at the time.
  • ROCKY III ... Okay, first one I watch pretty much whenever I see it listed. Though I rarely watch the whole thing since there are a few slow sections. Of course, I have to turn the channel when Mickey dies; no need to get teared up on a Saturday afternoon. This rates clearly as the most eclectic of the Rocky movies. 2 major fights in the movie instead of the signature 1, Rocky's disturbingly garish yellow silks, training at an inner-city gym which apparently has Olympic sized pool, races on the beach (along Adrian emasculating him on the beach and the Apollo/Rocky grope/man-hug on the beach), and a bigger, more comical role for Paulie (because nothing says loveable funny like a drunk, rude brother-in-law who probably smells like stewed beets). One problem with the movie: Apollo's magnaminous offer to train Rocky makes little sense. Imagine being beat up in front of your whole high school and then, after noticing that guy the who humiliated you is having trouble with math, you offer to tutor him for free ... you know, only if it would help him to be more popular. What does Apollo have to gain? Of course, it does offer us a real-life humorous thought. Consider the idea of Mike Tyson offering to train Evander Holyfield (not to mention their subsequent race on the beach followed by their own groping/man-hug).
  • ROCKY IV ... If it is on and I am available, I watch it. Case closed. Still unmatched greatness. Rocky essentially ends the cold war and does it with a hip, new rock soundtrack. Best music of all the Rocky's. Let's see, which Rocky movie had no feature songs from Frank "Rocky's-my-brother-but-it-has-nothing-to-do-with-my-singing-career" Stallone? Oh, that's right ... Rocky IV. Do you think, at family gatherings, Frank ever gets mad and tearfully screams at Sly, "You've always resented my talent ... I hate you! I hate you! I hate you!"? Still, his work on John Travolta's movie Stayin' Alive was cutting edge. Rocky IV took us back to the essential Rocky. His best training was when he was all alone. Sure, Mickey made him chase a chicken and Apollo made him swim laps, race on the beach and wear Richard Simmons' shorts, but Rocky always best when he was alone. Whether it was running through Philly (without getting mugged) or racing through waist-deep snow up Mout Kilimanjaro (wait, that's in Tanzania, not Russia ... oh well, you get the point), Rocky's internal drive was stronger than any manager could ever muster. Plus, his final speech to the Russian crowd still makes me laugh. Anyone want to bet there wasn't someone who suggested, "Listen Sly, that last scene ... uh, it's really hokey. Maybe we shouldn't do it." But undaunted, Stallone insists on making a politcal, albeit comically cliched, statement. One of my favorites is "In here there were two guys killin' each other, but I guess that's better than 20 million." You think, in that moment, in the oval office, Ronald Reagan looked over at James Baker and said, "You know, he makes a good point." One other note: Apollo, prior to his sudden death, constantly refers to Rocky as "Stallion." Why did he do this? No one else did it. Rocky was a nickname that pretty much the whole world embraced, so why did Apollo go with the as-I'm-stepping-into-the-ring nickname? This puzzles me. Bonus points for knowing Rocky's real name ... it comes up in Rocky II.
  • ROCKY V ... I do not acknowledge this movie. I prefer to have watched it the one time, gouged my eyes out and then never see it again.
So ROCKY BALBOA hits the screens next week. I will go to see it ... why? Because it fascinates me to go and see Rocky one more time. As I have heard it said by Stallone himself, "I don't like the way we left things with Rocky V, I needed closure for the character." Uh huh. This could mean, I've been married 43 times and need to make more money to pay for alimony. Or he, like the rest of us may be acknowledging that ROCKY V left us all a little scarred and we need to feel right about Rocky before he is gone.

Is Rocky going to die in the movie? Everyone is hush-hush about it so I presume he will and when it happens, I will most likely get a little teary because he is a hero of my generation. Sure, I know Rocky is not real (even if Stallone is confused about this). He helps us cling to a thought that we all want to believe ... if we just worked hard enough, even seemingly-impossible things could be possible. Who cares if it is a movie? Rocky single-handedly started a movie plot genre ... the loveable loser underdog that time and time again, overcomes the odds to win (Karate Kid, Mighty Ducks, the 1980 US Hockey team ... weren't they all little versions of Rocky?). Sure it is fantasy, but it makes us stand up and cheer for something good and in the end, that is why I go to movies.

By the way, his name was Robert Balboa.

(watch for part II after I go to see the movie next week)

Sunday, November 26, 2006

TROUBLING NEWS

(note: this text of this blog also appears in the December Southwood Spirit, the newsletter of Southwood Christian Church, Greenville, Texas)

There are times there are stories in the Bible that I read wishing that I knew more of the story. I long to be a fly on the wall, gathering pertinent details which would further enhance the story and give greater insight. For example, as many times as I have heard the Christmas story, there are details which remain a mystery. Even though I have heard a multitude of Christmas sermons and have prepared my share as well, every once and awhile, something new catches my attention and causes me to wonder about “the story behind the story.” It happened to me recently while doing some preparation work for upcoming sermons.

The section of the story concerned the visit of the Magi to Jerusalem (now I know, they came well after the birth of Christ, but since we always shoe-horn them into Nativity scenes, I figured you would grant me a little latitude). Remember the “wise men"? They followed the star and came to Jerusalem asking Herod, “Where is one who has been born King of the Jews? We saw his star in the east and have come to worship him.” What follows next is the part I wish I knew more about. The Scripture goes on to say in Matthew chapter two, “When King Herod heard this he was disturbed, and all Jerusalem with him.”

I understand Herod being upset about this announcement. After all, Herod, though he was King, was merely a puppet for Rome and was, in fact, not even a Jew. I can understand that he would feel threatened by anyone who was “born” King of the Jews. It was his job security at stake and someone born to be king would obviously be a danger to his position, his comfort and his authority. We are talking about a guy who wiped out most of his immediate family because he was paranoid of the possibility that one of them might take his throne. Not exactly the most trusting of individuals.

What puzzles me is the “all Jerusalem with him” part. After all, it was not as if they did not understand who this was to be. Herod himself asked the best of the religious thinkers where the Christ (a.k.a. The Messiah) would be born and in fairly short order, they let him know that it would be in Bethlehem. So it was not a case of misunderstanding. The Messiah had been prophesied for many years. He was the hope of Israel. As a people, the Jews looked forward to the coming of the Messiah with great expectancy. Yet they were troubled along with Herod at the possibility of his arrival.

Maybe they were not prepared for the Messiah in the baby-sized package. Maybe they were so afraid of what Herod might do to him or to them. How would Rome react to Israel having an actual king on the throne rather than the more palatable Herod? No one knows. Suffice it to say, when the opportunity came to see the one all Israel had waited and longed for, the news of his arrival simply troubled them. Maybe they just weren’t ready for the Messiah.

With all the plans we have made, all the schedules we have to keep, and all that we long to accomplish in this life, it makes me wonder, “Is the world ready for the Messiah to come today?” Would the news of his coming disturb us as much today as it did the Jews then? We may have different reasons, but like Israel we have been promised that the Messiah will come. It is to be a glorious day, a day for us to celebrate, a day that is long awaited and expected by Christians. Though I cannot help but wonder, “If Jesus came this Christmas; would we rejoice or be troubled by his return?” Perhaps it might be for those different reasons than Herod or Israel, but I would guess there would be at least a few Christians worried that they hadn’t accomplished everything they wanted or gained everything that they had wanted … as though those things will matter in eternity.

Of course, I would be remiss if I didn’t point out that with all the troubling thinking that was going on, it would be wrong for us to miss the example of those Magi. They had traveled a great distance (no doubt at great expense) all for the opportunity to come and worship Christ, the Savior. The signs of the times did not trouble them, but inspired them. Did they truly know the ramifications of his coming? Possibly, especially when you consider that they searched the Scriptures to find such answers. It would be good for us to do the same!

We should celebrate his birth, honor his death on the cross, praise his resurrection, and anticipate the joy of his return for indeed it is true that, “Wise Men still seek Him!” and look forward to the day of his appearing!

Thursday, November 23, 2006

A Question of Etiquette

I was faced with a serious question of propriety today. I had traveled to my brother-in-law's parents' home for Thanksgiving dinner. I had plowed through a generous amount of food (I should point out that the question deals neither with the copious quanity of food I consumed nor the rapidity at which it was inhaled) and settled in for a little football viewing.

Let me set the scene for you: in the front middle of the room is the large projection screen, to the right of the screen is a 3/4 person couch (depending on individual sizes), to the left a single chair and ottoman, and directly in front of the screen is another 3/4 person couch (in this case a 3 person since I occupy part of the couch). Also scattered behind the couch I am on are a few folding chairs.

Now let me set the players for you: As I sit down on the rear couch to view, there is another male on the couch. We sit at extreme ends of the couch knowing the we are not allowed to touch, nor put a hand down on the middle cushion lest we accidentally touch hands. We are good here. The chair is occupied by a sleeping female (not my issue for today, but I do have problems with a prime viewing location being wasted on a sleeping skirt). The right couch is occupied by my sister Michelle (also wavering dangerously close to sleeping) and my crocheting mother. Various other females pop in and out and occupy the third slot on the right couch. Many folding chairs still remain unoccupied.
In the midst of this another male enters the room. He spies the open middle seat on my couch and plops down, seriously violating my "personal bubble" without even considering the folding chairs strewn about, but again, as awkward as this is, it is not my major concern.


Approximately halfway through the game, a mass exodus occurs as people leave and vacate the right couch and the chair. The problem is, we three kings still occupy the middle couch. Additional seating is available and still we sit, cozy as sardines next to one another. Eventually, male in the middle pops up, and leaves the room. Finally, I think, we return to comfortability. No joke, two minutes later he returns, surveys the room (with its multiple open seats) and returns to sit between us on the couch.

I believe a serious breech of man etiquette was violated and made it difficult for me to concerntrate on the game. Why was this man refusing to acknowledge the personal man-bubble that each of us has, that space that most men instinctively know prevents us from standing at urinals next to one other, the one that even boys understand shouldn't be violated.

I am reminded of a King of Queens episode where Deacon, Spence and Doug enter Cooper's and take a seat at a booth. Because it is a four-seat booth, Doug and Spence sit together on the same side. Because of some situation, Deacon is forced to depart, leaving Doug and Spence sitting next to one another alone in a booth. Spence is oblivious to the obvious man etiquette issue here and continues eating until Doug asks/orders, "Are we dating? Move to the other side!"

See this is how I felt. I wanted to blurt out, "Are we going out, dude? Why don't you move to an open couch?" But I didn't want to offend him since I hardly knew him, so I just sat there feeling weird. I ate half a pumpkin pie to alleveate my concerns. While it may not seem to be the ideal situation, at least it took my mind off of the issue and as a side bonus, seeing me plow through half a pie caused the space violator to turn to his wife and say, "Let's go and we can catch the rest of the game at home."

For this reason alone I will try to always keep pumpkin pie on hand for just such emergencies. Happy Thanksgiving!

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Confirming My Brother's Sanity

Having returned from my vacation recently, I felt the need to share that I have put to rest some concerns that I had about my brother Steve. You see recently, I have become concerned that the grind of being the Minister of Creative Arts at Shively Christian Church, a husband, a dad, etc. had become too much for the poor guy. I say this because a couple of his recent posts on his MySpace page have revealed a somewhat darker side ... dare I say, a violent side. In fact, two of his more recent posts have been titled "Punching a Sixty-Year-Old Woman in the Face" and "I'm Not a Violent Man ... But I'd Like to Be". They seem to indicate the thoughts and imaginations of a man who is slipping over to the southern side of crazy.

I thought that during my vacation I could spend some time with him and "talk him down from the ledge" so to speak. I needed to get to the heart of what had made him become so derranged toward this little old lady named Ms. Panter. To be honest, I knew that my brother's angst was excessive. I have known some irritating older people, but his reaction reminded me of Mr. Furious' comments in the movie Mystery Men: "Don't mess with the volcano my man, 'cause I will go Pompeii on your...butt" Hardly the response of a clear-thinking individual.

I went with Steve over to the beautiful Dixie Bowl to join my nieces, Grace and Faith, for the monthly bowling trip for their pre-school. It was here I would meet Ms. Panter and once and for all, be able to empirically discuss his unwarranted desire for pugilism with this sectagenarian. When we got inside, Ms. Panter was barking some orders to the kids about where to put their things and their lane assignments. I thought, "Hmm, she's a disciplinarian, but hardly the embodiment of evil I have read about."

Grace and Faith came to the lane Steve and I were on, along with a couple of their schoolmates, Isabella and Sophie. We also found out that Vic was going to be there. We didn't know who Vic was, but we know that Isabella was excited that he was coming. She dropped it into the conversation 37 times in the first five minutes of the bowling. I thought, "Boy, I sure hope Vic shows up or there is going to be problems." Quick side note: I am interacting and watching over two girls from this class. As far as I know, outside of Steve and my nieces, no one knows who I am. Solid background checking system in place.

Anyway, we were about ten minutes into the bowling when the aforementioned Ms. Panter came and sat down in the scorekeeper's seat to engage me in conversation. I should mention that she did stop by briefly to ridicule my brother's aptitude at setting up the automatic score-keeping system on our lanes. I felt no compulsion toward violence because of it, but did inwardly laugh at my brother.

Ms. Panter sat down directly opposite of me and we were face to face, but rather than addressing me, she spoke to Grace, who was standing next to me. As Ms. Panter plopped down in the seat, I sensed Grace's grip on my arm tighten ever-so-slightly. She snapped at Grace, "Grace! Is this the Uncle that you told us is visiting you?" Grace nodded. After a slight hesitation, she demanded, "Well, aren't you going to formally introduce us?" I quickly scanned my memory for a time when I had ever witnessed a six-year-old who had ever formally introduced anyone. I couldn't remember ever seeing it except for my second-cousin-once-removed T.J. McGill, but in all fairness he wore old man suits and used Brylcreem (a little dab'll do ya!) ... creepy, just creepy.

Sensing Grace was in a spot, I introduced myself to Ms. Panter, eschewing the need for the formal introduction from Grace. Thankfully, she didn't require the formal introduction either. Once I had started the process she enthusiastically joined in, "I'm Ms. Panter ... Grace's teacher." Apparently, she is unaware of my brother's thoughts of violence toward her otherwise she would have known that I already knew exactly who she was.

I should make a small note here. I believe Ms. Panter asked Grace to introduce me instead of my other niece, Faith, for two important reasons. 1) Grace is actually in her class and Faith is not. It is a small school so she knows Faith, but Faith is with the four-year-olds where Grace is with the Kindergarten-age kids. 2) Since she knows Faith, she probably realizes that were she to ask Faith such a question at best, Faith would ignore her and, at worst, Faith would punch her square in the nose. You see, Faith's got moxie!

She wasn't done with us. She asked Grace, "Is your uncle as silly as your dad?" This question puzzled me since the situations in which Steve had interacted with Ms. Panter had led me to believe that she thought him to be more moronic than silly. Perhaps she was "nice-ing it up for the kids." Grace was quick to say that I was not silly like her dad. It was kind of Grace, but it was clearly her way of trying to end the conversation with her teacher since Grace regularly tells me I am silly.

Undaunted, Ms. Panter insisted that she would get the answer she wanted. She glared at Grace and asked the question, "Is your uncle your dad's brother?" Grace was confused. After all, that is the way it works in a six-year-old's mind. Uncles are mom or dad's brothers. Now Ms. Panter was questioning the very fabric of that relationship. At this point Isabella walked by and reminded me that Vic was coming today.

Ms. Panter was too busy to wait for Grace to work out this dilemma so she quickly added, "If he is your dad's brother then he is just as silly!" And with that quip that is sure to make the "Quoteables" section of Reader's Digest one day, she got up and left.

She traveled to the next lane and watched as a five-year-old dropped a slow-rolling ball onto the lane and barked, "Weak Lilly! That throw was weak!" I was reminded that there is nothing classier than ridiculing a five-year-old's strength.

It made me want to walk over to her and act out a scene from the movie Uncle Buck, with appropriate changes in the script to match our story:

I don't think I want to know a six-year-old who isn't a dreamer, or a sillyheart. And I sure don't want to know one who takes their student career seriously. I don't have a college degree. I don't even have a job. But I know a good kid when I see one. Because they're ALL good kids, until dried-out, brain-dead skags like you drag them down and convince them they're no good. You so much as scowl at my niece, or any other kid in this school, and I hear about it, and I'm coming looking for you! Take this quarter, go downtown, and have a rat gnaw that thing off your face! Good day to you, madam!

I don't want to know a five-year-old that can throw a bowling ball with such velocity to smash the pins and garner Ms. Panter's grudging approval. In fact, the very thought of it frightens me. Isn't part of the fun of watching little kids bowl is seeing a ball that rolls so slowly that it gets stopped by running into the head pin?

So, my assessment would go like this: my brother is still as sane as he ever was (nice backhanded compliment, huh?). I found my own ire being raised at the contemptuous Ms. Panter. In fact, when he is ready to rumble, I am there to be his wingman. However, having reviewed the situation, I would guess that Ms. Panter is probably former Army Special Forces or maybe a drill instructor that was kicked out because her methods were too harsh so now she teaches kindergarten with that same daring and tenacity!

Whatever the case, I am just glad one thing happened. Vic finally showed up and Ms. Panter started ridiculing him.