Confirming My Brother's Sanity
Having returned from my vacation recently, I felt the need to share that I have put to rest some concerns that I had about my brother Steve. You see recently, I have become concerned that the grind of being the Minister of Creative Arts at Shively Christian Church, a husband, a dad, etc. had become too much for the poor guy. I say this because a couple of his recent posts on his MySpace page have revealed a somewhat darker side ... dare I say, a violent side. In fact, two of his more recent posts have been titled "Punching a Sixty-Year-Old Woman in the Face" and "I'm Not a Violent Man ... But I'd Like to Be". They seem to indicate the thoughts and imaginations of a man who is slipping over to the southern side of crazy.
I thought that during my vacation I could spend some time with him and "talk him down from the ledge" so to speak. I needed to get to the heart of what had made him become so derranged toward this little old lady named Ms. Panter. To be honest, I knew that my brother's angst was excessive. I have known some irritating older people, but his reaction reminded me of Mr. Furious' comments in the movie Mystery Men: "Don't mess with the volcano my man, 'cause I will go Pompeii on your...butt" Hardly the response of a clear-thinking individual.
I went with Steve over to the beautiful Dixie Bowl to join my nieces, Grace and Faith, for the monthly bowling trip for their pre-school. It was here I would meet Ms. Panter and once and for all, be able to empirically discuss his unwarranted desire for pugilism with this sectagenarian. When we got inside, Ms. Panter was barking some orders to the kids about where to put their things and their lane assignments. I thought, "Hmm, she's a disciplinarian, but hardly the embodiment of evil I have read about."
Grace and Faith came to the lane Steve and I were on, along with a couple of their schoolmates, Isabella and Sophie. We also found out that Vic was going to be there. We didn't know who Vic was, but we know that Isabella was excited that he was coming. She dropped it into the conversation 37 times in the first five minutes of the bowling. I thought, "Boy, I sure hope Vic shows up or there is going to be problems." Quick side note: I am interacting and watching over two girls from this class. As far as I know, outside of Steve and my nieces, no one knows who I am. Solid background checking system in place.
Anyway, we were about ten minutes into the bowling when the aforementioned Ms. Panter came and sat down in the scorekeeper's seat to engage me in conversation. I should mention that she did stop by briefly to ridicule my brother's aptitude at setting up the automatic score-keeping system on our lanes. I felt no compulsion toward violence because of it, but did inwardly laugh at my brother.
Ms. Panter sat down directly opposite of me and we were face to face, but rather than addressing me, she spoke to Grace, who was standing next to me. As Ms. Panter plopped down in the seat, I sensed Grace's grip on my arm tighten ever-so-slightly. She snapped at Grace, "Grace! Is this the Uncle that you told us is visiting you?" Grace nodded. After a slight hesitation, she demanded, "Well, aren't you going to formally introduce us?" I quickly scanned my memory for a time when I had ever witnessed a six-year-old who had ever formally introduced anyone. I couldn't remember ever seeing it except for my second-cousin-once-removed T.J. McGill, but in all fairness he wore old man suits and used Brylcreem (a little dab'll do ya!) ... creepy, just creepy.
Sensing Grace was in a spot, I introduced myself to Ms. Panter, eschewing the need for the formal introduction from Grace. Thankfully, she didn't require the formal introduction either. Once I had started the process she enthusiastically joined in, "I'm Ms. Panter ... Grace's teacher." Apparently, she is unaware of my brother's thoughts of violence toward her otherwise she would have known that I already knew exactly who she was.
I should make a small note here. I believe Ms. Panter asked Grace to introduce me instead of my other niece, Faith, for two important reasons. 1) Grace is actually in her class and Faith is not. It is a small school so she knows Faith, but Faith is with the four-year-olds where Grace is with the Kindergarten-age kids. 2) Since she knows Faith, she probably realizes that were she to ask Faith such a question at best, Faith would ignore her and, at worst, Faith would punch her square in the nose. You see, Faith's got moxie!
She wasn't done with us. She asked Grace, "Is your uncle as silly as your dad?" This question puzzled me since the situations in which Steve had interacted with Ms. Panter had led me to believe that she thought him to be more moronic than silly. Perhaps she was "nice-ing it up for the kids." Grace was quick to say that I was not silly like her dad. It was kind of Grace, but it was clearly her way of trying to end the conversation with her teacher since Grace regularly tells me I am silly.
Undaunted, Ms. Panter insisted that she would get the answer she wanted. She glared at Grace and asked the question, "Is your uncle your dad's brother?" Grace was confused. After all, that is the way it works in a six-year-old's mind. Uncles are mom or dad's brothers. Now Ms. Panter was questioning the very fabric of that relationship. At this point Isabella walked by and reminded me that Vic was coming today.
Ms. Panter was too busy to wait for Grace to work out this dilemma so she quickly added, "If he is your dad's brother then he is just as silly!" And with that quip that is sure to make the "Quoteables" section of Reader's Digest one day, she got up and left.
She traveled to the next lane and watched as a five-year-old dropped a slow-rolling ball onto the lane and barked, "Weak Lilly! That throw was weak!" I was reminded that there is nothing classier than ridiculing a five-year-old's strength.
It made me want to walk over to her and act out a scene from the movie Uncle Buck, with appropriate changes in the script to match our story:
I don't want to know a five-year-old that can throw a bowling ball with such velocity to smash the pins and garner Ms. Panter's grudging approval. In fact, the very thought of it frightens me. Isn't part of the fun of watching little kids bowl is seeing a ball that rolls so slowly that it gets stopped by running into the head pin?
So, my assessment would go like this: my brother is still as sane as he ever was (nice backhanded compliment, huh?). I found my own ire being raised at the contemptuous Ms. Panter. In fact, when he is ready to rumble, I am there to be his wingman. However, having reviewed the situation, I would guess that Ms. Panter is probably former Army Special Forces or maybe a drill instructor that was kicked out because her methods were too harsh so now she teaches kindergarten with that same daring and tenacity!
Whatever the case, I am just glad one thing happened. Vic finally showed up and Ms. Panter started ridiculing him.
I thought that during my vacation I could spend some time with him and "talk him down from the ledge" so to speak. I needed to get to the heart of what had made him become so derranged toward this little old lady named Ms. Panter. To be honest, I knew that my brother's angst was excessive. I have known some irritating older people, but his reaction reminded me of Mr. Furious' comments in the movie Mystery Men: "Don't mess with the volcano my man, 'cause I will go Pompeii on your...butt" Hardly the response of a clear-thinking individual.
I went with Steve over to the beautiful Dixie Bowl to join my nieces, Grace and Faith, for the monthly bowling trip for their pre-school. It was here I would meet Ms. Panter and once and for all, be able to empirically discuss his unwarranted desire for pugilism with this sectagenarian. When we got inside, Ms. Panter was barking some orders to the kids about where to put their things and their lane assignments. I thought, "Hmm, she's a disciplinarian, but hardly the embodiment of evil I have read about."
Grace and Faith came to the lane Steve and I were on, along with a couple of their schoolmates, Isabella and Sophie. We also found out that Vic was going to be there. We didn't know who Vic was, but we know that Isabella was excited that he was coming. She dropped it into the conversation 37 times in the first five minutes of the bowling. I thought, "Boy, I sure hope Vic shows up or there is going to be problems." Quick side note: I am interacting and watching over two girls from this class. As far as I know, outside of Steve and my nieces, no one knows who I am. Solid background checking system in place.
Anyway, we were about ten minutes into the bowling when the aforementioned Ms. Panter came and sat down in the scorekeeper's seat to engage me in conversation. I should mention that she did stop by briefly to ridicule my brother's aptitude at setting up the automatic score-keeping system on our lanes. I felt no compulsion toward violence because of it, but did inwardly laugh at my brother.
Ms. Panter sat down directly opposite of me and we were face to face, but rather than addressing me, she spoke to Grace, who was standing next to me. As Ms. Panter plopped down in the seat, I sensed Grace's grip on my arm tighten ever-so-slightly. She snapped at Grace, "Grace! Is this the Uncle that you told us is visiting you?" Grace nodded. After a slight hesitation, she demanded, "Well, aren't you going to formally introduce us?" I quickly scanned my memory for a time when I had ever witnessed a six-year-old who had ever formally introduced anyone. I couldn't remember ever seeing it except for my second-cousin-once-removed T.J. McGill, but in all fairness he wore old man suits and used Brylcreem (a little dab'll do ya!) ... creepy, just creepy.
Sensing Grace was in a spot, I introduced myself to Ms. Panter, eschewing the need for the formal introduction from Grace. Thankfully, she didn't require the formal introduction either. Once I had started the process she enthusiastically joined in, "I'm Ms. Panter ... Grace's teacher." Apparently, she is unaware of my brother's thoughts of violence toward her otherwise she would have known that I already knew exactly who she was.
I should make a small note here. I believe Ms. Panter asked Grace to introduce me instead of my other niece, Faith, for two important reasons. 1) Grace is actually in her class and Faith is not. It is a small school so she knows Faith, but Faith is with the four-year-olds where Grace is with the Kindergarten-age kids. 2) Since she knows Faith, she probably realizes that were she to ask Faith such a question at best, Faith would ignore her and, at worst, Faith would punch her square in the nose. You see, Faith's got moxie!
She wasn't done with us. She asked Grace, "Is your uncle as silly as your dad?" This question puzzled me since the situations in which Steve had interacted with Ms. Panter had led me to believe that she thought him to be more moronic than silly. Perhaps she was "nice-ing it up for the kids." Grace was quick to say that I was not silly like her dad. It was kind of Grace, but it was clearly her way of trying to end the conversation with her teacher since Grace regularly tells me I am silly.
Undaunted, Ms. Panter insisted that she would get the answer she wanted. She glared at Grace and asked the question, "Is your uncle your dad's brother?" Grace was confused. After all, that is the way it works in a six-year-old's mind. Uncles are mom or dad's brothers. Now Ms. Panter was questioning the very fabric of that relationship. At this point Isabella walked by and reminded me that Vic was coming today.
Ms. Panter was too busy to wait for Grace to work out this dilemma so she quickly added, "If he is your dad's brother then he is just as silly!" And with that quip that is sure to make the "Quoteables" section of Reader's Digest one day, she got up and left.
She traveled to the next lane and watched as a five-year-old dropped a slow-rolling ball onto the lane and barked, "Weak Lilly! That throw was weak!" I was reminded that there is nothing classier than ridiculing a five-year-old's strength.
It made me want to walk over to her and act out a scene from the movie Uncle Buck, with appropriate changes in the script to match our story:
I don't think I want to know a six-year-old who isn't a dreamer, or a sillyheart. And I sure don't want to know one who takes their student career seriously. I don't have a college degree. I don't even have a job. But I know a good kid when I see one. Because they're ALL good kids, until dried-out, brain-dead skags like you drag them down and convince them they're no good. You so much as scowl at my niece, or any other kid in this school, and I hear about it, and I'm coming looking for you! Take this quarter, go downtown, and have a rat gnaw that thing off your face! Good day to you, madam!
I don't want to know a five-year-old that can throw a bowling ball with such velocity to smash the pins and garner Ms. Panter's grudging approval. In fact, the very thought of it frightens me. Isn't part of the fun of watching little kids bowl is seeing a ball that rolls so slowly that it gets stopped by running into the head pin?
So, my assessment would go like this: my brother is still as sane as he ever was (nice backhanded compliment, huh?). I found my own ire being raised at the contemptuous Ms. Panter. In fact, when he is ready to rumble, I am there to be his wingman. However, having reviewed the situation, I would guess that Ms. Panter is probably former Army Special Forces or maybe a drill instructor that was kicked out because her methods were too harsh so now she teaches kindergarten with that same daring and tenacity!
Whatever the case, I am just glad one thing happened. Vic finally showed up and Ms. Panter started ridiculing him.
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