Diary of a Conference Call
People act funny when they are on a conference call. Perhaps it is the fact that facial expressions are unavailable, maybe it is the poor quality of phone audio, or could it be that being on the conference call allows for greater personal freedom than a typical meeting.
For instance, in a typical meeting, if someone has to answer nature's call, one of two things occurs. Either the meeting forges on and the unfortunate individual misses vital information and is probably put in charge of some dreaded committee while he is taking the necessary environmental pause, or if the person is important enough, the whole meeting stops down for a few minutes while the person ducks into the nearest restroom. Invariably, awkward conversation ensues as everyone sadly carries a mental picture of what is going on, but of course no one discusses it. Most likely, the weather will be discussed or some other non-salient point will be rehashed so no one slips and says, "So, you think he's droppin' the deuce?"
But in the world of the "tele-conference" the meeting moves along unabated when someone has to go to the bathroom. Oh mind you, it's not mentioned, but I am sure that at least 3-4 people take potty breaks during the typical conference call and continue talking just as if nothing out of the usual was going on. The question if, of course, has there ever been a tele-conference in which all the attendees where in the water closet at the same time. Hey, I think there might be a Guinness Book of World Records opportunity here.
Anyway, I say that to introduce my blog for today. I am preparing to "attend" a tele-conference and decided to keep a running diary of the events for you. A little background: this is a meeting a our camp board. It is the first time we have attempted to do this via the tele-conference, so it should be full of fun ... we'll see.
5:25 pm
I sit waiting for the phone to ring. I have all the accruments prepared: pen, paper, large beverage, computer game set to "no audio", and rolled up pair of tube socks to throw at the dog should she begin barking uncontrollably (not sure it will happen, but as the magic eight-ball would tell me, "Signs point to 'yes!'"). As the vice-president of the camp board, I foolishly assume that I will be the first called for the tele-conference. In reality, I am holding out hope that either the meeting gets canceled or they will have lost my phone number. As you can tell I am psyched for this meeting.
You may wonder how I became the vice-president. It is actually an interesting story. I had gone to the bathroom and while I was out ... oh wait, there's the call.
5:27 pm
Kevin "Sug" Rossen greets me. I've known him as Sug as long as I can remember, not sure why he is called this. I just know he doesn't spell it Suge, probably because Suge Knight has it trademarked or something. Sug immediately slips into "old man" talk discussing the wonders of technology because we have four people on the phone at one time. Today, conference calls, tomorrow teleportation ... it's like we are on the Spaceship Earth ride at EPCOT. Quick can anyone tell me what EPCOT stands for (no cheating, don't Google it)? Yep, Experimental Prototype Community of Tomorrow. What I love about EPCOT is that it fairly simple advances in technology paired with wildly advanced technology. Animatronic Father: Look kids, I am talking on my phone with no wires coming out of it while riding in my speed-of-light hovercraft that shoots lasers and shields me against a nuclear bomb. Animatronic Kids: Wow! A phone without wires ... groovy!
5:28 pm
Sug calls for an opening word of prayer. Prayer over the phone is always weird to me. Should I bow my head and close my eyes? Should I kneel? While I may not be sure what I should do when someone is praying with me on the phone, I do know a host of things I shouldn't do. Here are some just to give you an idea ...
5:35 pm
I just realized that I have absolutely no power unless Sug dies or becomes incapacitated. I am essentially the Miss America runner-up. By the way, here is a little hint: I am just fine with that. See, if Sug were unable to continue as president and it was passed to me, I believe my first act as newly appointed president would be to resign. I would claim I was trying to avoid a coming scandal that would rock the camp board if I stayed on. I think I am comfortable with my status as Commander-in-Case.
5:47 pm
Okay, that was funny. Sug asked Wes (our camp director) to explain a discussion that was held at the last meeting (which I was unable to attend due an important previous commitment, I believe it was all-you-can-eat-wings night at my local Wings-to-Go restaurant). Anyway, Wes gave a brief explanation which was folllowed by awkward silence ... and then more awkward silence. Finally, I chirped, "That sounds good, Wes" hopefully snapping Sug out of whatever coma he had suddenly faded into in the 45 seconds that had passed since he asked Wes to comment. Still nothing. After what was probably another 15 seconds of uncomfortable silence, I stammered, "Uh, is anyone still here?" Randy, the final quarter of our foursome finally spoke, "I am." A man of few words that Randy. That constituted about 50% of all the speaking he did during the first 20 minutes of the meeting. A little while later, presumably after he had downed a large amount of cough syrup, he gushed on and on when he said, "Yeah ... I agree with that." I thought, "Settle down, dude. Why must you always dominate the conversation?"
5:50 pm
Sug comes back. His questionable excuse was that he has a very touchy mute button and that he accidently had it on without knowing. He said he was surprised that we all kept interrupting him and not paying attention to what he has to say. First ... what a prima dona. Second, yeah right. See, I believe that was our first bathroom break of the evening, that or he was watching The King of Queens rerun and lost track of what we were talking about.
5:59 pm
Okay, I got it out of the way ... yep, I carried on an otherwise routine conversation about the camp's financial situation ... while "seeing a man about a horse" so to speak. I am sure that the group was none-the-wiser as to what I was actually doing. As I hit the mute and gave the courtesy flush a sense of intrigue came over me ... it was like I was 007, deceiving them without giving away my fiendish secret. As I rose from the throne I could swear I heard the Bond Theme playing in the background somewhere.
6:05 pm
I have just noticed that the high fidelity of the phone set makes Wes and Randy sound the same much of the time. Since I don't always know which one it is, I will henceforth refer to them collectively as Srandy. For instance, Srandy doesn't know when the Women's Retreat is this year, but he'll ask his wife ... see, none of that information clears it up for me.
6:12 pm
Sug asks me what I think about it. I know, you don't know what it is, but then, neither do I. You see, being a multi-tasker (see 5:59 pm comment for verification), I like to use time efficiently so I have been working on my Bible study lesson while our meeting is going on (well, at least they have my full attention). I did not think the discussion had much to do with me so I was not zeroed in on the topic. Of course, I cannot admit this so I stammer out an answer that ends up having nothing to do with the question Sug was apparently talking about. Sug either ignores my stupidity or was just so taken by my response that it escapes his notice that it had nothing to do with the question that was asked. I prefer to think the latter ... cue the Bond music once again (Da-dump-da-daaaah-duh-da-da!)
6:29 pm
It has come to my attention that I am now in charge of something. I was unaware of this. Could it have happened when I was working on my Bible study. Perhaps Sug is more clever than I give him credit for. No, probably not.
6:31 pm
Srandy wonders about work projects at the camp. How can we get more people involved? I am thinking maybe make a Summer Camp week out of them. Sort of an Extreme Makeover: Camp Edition. No one likes my joke, or at least they didn't laugh. Wait, is my mute button on. No, it just wasn't funny.
6:42 pm
We've done all the damage we can for one night. So we plan to do this again. Why not? If nothing else, we accomplished ... well, we finished ... okay, we got the next meeting planned. That's solid. We now begin to say our goodbyes, which is hard, because no one knows who is saying good-night to who and who will be offended. It plays out like a bad episode of The Waltons. In frustration, I blurt out good-night Sugsrandy and hastily hang up before anything more can be said.
I am sure glad I took notes ...
For instance, in a typical meeting, if someone has to answer nature's call, one of two things occurs. Either the meeting forges on and the unfortunate individual misses vital information and is probably put in charge of some dreaded committee while he is taking the necessary environmental pause, or if the person is important enough, the whole meeting stops down for a few minutes while the person ducks into the nearest restroom. Invariably, awkward conversation ensues as everyone sadly carries a mental picture of what is going on, but of course no one discusses it. Most likely, the weather will be discussed or some other non-salient point will be rehashed so no one slips and says, "So, you think he's droppin' the deuce?"
But in the world of the "tele-conference" the meeting moves along unabated when someone has to go to the bathroom. Oh mind you, it's not mentioned, but I am sure that at least 3-4 people take potty breaks during the typical conference call and continue talking just as if nothing out of the usual was going on. The question if, of course, has there ever been a tele-conference in which all the attendees where in the water closet at the same time. Hey, I think there might be a Guinness Book of World Records opportunity here.
Anyway, I say that to introduce my blog for today. I am preparing to "attend" a tele-conference and decided to keep a running diary of the events for you. A little background: this is a meeting a our camp board. It is the first time we have attempted to do this via the tele-conference, so it should be full of fun ... we'll see.
5:25 pm
I sit waiting for the phone to ring. I have all the accruments prepared: pen, paper, large beverage, computer game set to "no audio", and rolled up pair of tube socks to throw at the dog should she begin barking uncontrollably (not sure it will happen, but as the magic eight-ball would tell me, "Signs point to 'yes!'"). As the vice-president of the camp board, I foolishly assume that I will be the first called for the tele-conference. In reality, I am holding out hope that either the meeting gets canceled or they will have lost my phone number. As you can tell I am psyched for this meeting.
You may wonder how I became the vice-president. It is actually an interesting story. I had gone to the bathroom and while I was out ... oh wait, there's the call.
5:27 pm
Kevin "Sug" Rossen greets me. I've known him as Sug as long as I can remember, not sure why he is called this. I just know he doesn't spell it Suge, probably because Suge Knight has it trademarked or something. Sug immediately slips into "old man" talk discussing the wonders of technology because we have four people on the phone at one time. Today, conference calls, tomorrow teleportation ... it's like we are on the Spaceship Earth ride at EPCOT. Quick can anyone tell me what EPCOT stands for (no cheating, don't Google it)? Yep, Experimental Prototype Community of Tomorrow. What I love about EPCOT is that it fairly simple advances in technology paired with wildly advanced technology. Animatronic Father: Look kids, I am talking on my phone with no wires coming out of it while riding in my speed-of-light hovercraft that shoots lasers and shields me against a nuclear bomb. Animatronic Kids: Wow! A phone without wires ... groovy!
5:28 pm
Sug calls for an opening word of prayer. Prayer over the phone is always weird to me. Should I bow my head and close my eyes? Should I kneel? While I may not be sure what I should do when someone is praying with me on the phone, I do know a host of things I shouldn't do. Here are some just to give you an idea ...
- Setting up youir MySpace page ... no!
- Instant Messaging your brother ... probably not.
- Make a sandwich ... questionable.
- Put them on hold ... maybe.
- Gregorian Chants ... obviously not.
5:35 pm
I just realized that I have absolutely no power unless Sug dies or becomes incapacitated. I am essentially the Miss America runner-up. By the way, here is a little hint: I am just fine with that. See, if Sug were unable to continue as president and it was passed to me, I believe my first act as newly appointed president would be to resign. I would claim I was trying to avoid a coming scandal that would rock the camp board if I stayed on. I think I am comfortable with my status as Commander-in-Case.
5:47 pm
Okay, that was funny. Sug asked Wes (our camp director) to explain a discussion that was held at the last meeting (which I was unable to attend due an important previous commitment, I believe it was all-you-can-eat-wings night at my local Wings-to-Go restaurant). Anyway, Wes gave a brief explanation which was folllowed by awkward silence ... and then more awkward silence. Finally, I chirped, "That sounds good, Wes" hopefully snapping Sug out of whatever coma he had suddenly faded into in the 45 seconds that had passed since he asked Wes to comment. Still nothing. After what was probably another 15 seconds of uncomfortable silence, I stammered, "Uh, is anyone still here?" Randy, the final quarter of our foursome finally spoke, "I am." A man of few words that Randy. That constituted about 50% of all the speaking he did during the first 20 minutes of the meeting. A little while later, presumably after he had downed a large amount of cough syrup, he gushed on and on when he said, "Yeah ... I agree with that." I thought, "Settle down, dude. Why must you always dominate the conversation?"
5:50 pm
Sug comes back. His questionable excuse was that he has a very touchy mute button and that he accidently had it on without knowing. He said he was surprised that we all kept interrupting him and not paying attention to what he has to say. First ... what a prima dona. Second, yeah right. See, I believe that was our first bathroom break of the evening, that or he was watching The King of Queens rerun and lost track of what we were talking about.
5:59 pm
Okay, I got it out of the way ... yep, I carried on an otherwise routine conversation about the camp's financial situation ... while "seeing a man about a horse" so to speak. I am sure that the group was none-the-wiser as to what I was actually doing. As I hit the mute and gave the courtesy flush a sense of intrigue came over me ... it was like I was 007, deceiving them without giving away my fiendish secret. As I rose from the throne I could swear I heard the Bond Theme playing in the background somewhere.
6:05 pm
I have just noticed that the high fidelity of the phone set makes Wes and Randy sound the same much of the time. Since I don't always know which one it is, I will henceforth refer to them collectively as Srandy. For instance, Srandy doesn't know when the Women's Retreat is this year, but he'll ask his wife ... see, none of that information clears it up for me.
6:12 pm
Sug asks me what I think about it. I know, you don't know what it is, but then, neither do I. You see, being a multi-tasker (see 5:59 pm comment for verification), I like to use time efficiently so I have been working on my Bible study lesson while our meeting is going on (well, at least they have my full attention). I did not think the discussion had much to do with me so I was not zeroed in on the topic. Of course, I cannot admit this so I stammer out an answer that ends up having nothing to do with the question Sug was apparently talking about. Sug either ignores my stupidity or was just so taken by my response that it escapes his notice that it had nothing to do with the question that was asked. I prefer to think the latter ... cue the Bond music once again (Da-dump-da-daaaah-duh-da-da!)
6:29 pm
It has come to my attention that I am now in charge of something. I was unaware of this. Could it have happened when I was working on my Bible study. Perhaps Sug is more clever than I give him credit for. No, probably not.
6:31 pm
Srandy wonders about work projects at the camp. How can we get more people involved? I am thinking maybe make a Summer Camp week out of them. Sort of an Extreme Makeover: Camp Edition. No one likes my joke, or at least they didn't laugh. Wait, is my mute button on. No, it just wasn't funny.
6:42 pm
We've done all the damage we can for one night. So we plan to do this again. Why not? If nothing else, we accomplished ... well, we finished ... okay, we got the next meeting planned. That's solid. We now begin to say our goodbyes, which is hard, because no one knows who is saying good-night to who and who will be offended. It plays out like a bad episode of The Waltons. In frustration, I blurt out good-night Sugsrandy and hastily hang up before anything more can be said.
I am sure glad I took notes ...
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